I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
