mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Randomize
