When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
