the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
