I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
