Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
