I murdered the dance floor call the cops
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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