tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
