She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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