well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
it glows. i had to have it.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
