I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
