I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
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