I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
