dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
