I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
