Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
