Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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