Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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