I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
