I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
