the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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