It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
