It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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