I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
my sisters under your porch take her home
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize