john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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