I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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