Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
