There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
