Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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