What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
