He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
she pinky promised me she was 18
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
