I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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