I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
