You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
