Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
