Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
