Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
