are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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