please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
