You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
