the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
