There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
4 words: hood of his car
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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