Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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