I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
