Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
