I am in a vortex of obligation.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
