I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
And then my night got REAL pukey
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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