You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm really busy with my period
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