Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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