my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize