He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
