his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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