i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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