whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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