In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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