My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
im having a threesome with these popsicles
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
