My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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