Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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