Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
