I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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